My sister and I grew up in upstate New York. Now, my mother is 83 years old. Since my father died twelve years ago, Mom has been living alone in the house where we grew up. She has always been independent and yet very connected to her seven siblings, who live in the area. Nearly a year ago, Mom came down with a bad case of shingles which persisted for four months, no matter what she did. Within two weeks of recovery, she had a recurrence of shingles.

Her doctor prescribed oxycodone for the pain. But, without medication management, Mom forgot she had already taken her pills and took another set.  She overdosed on her medication and was wandering aimlessly in town in a state of confusion.  Mom was found and taken to the hospital where she became fearful and violent.  The doctors there sedated her. Once she was calm, the doctors ordered tests and evaluated that Mom was a "flight risk" and kept her in a locked ward wearing an alarm bracelet.  After a couple of weeks, the doctors re-evaluated Mom, and released her to a local nursing home. Mom's sister was in the same nursing home, but she was never told about that, so she never had the opportunity to visit with her.

As my sister was relaying the events and her inability to manage them through a series of trips from Arizona, I became aware that Mom needed to move near me, so I could monitor her care. Mom had needed an advocate for the last year to oversee her medical needs and I realized that I needed to take charge starting immediately.  But, I never imagined what I was in for!

• Paperwork: The Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy and Medicare paperwork in New York State had to be resolved with an attorney there. This took weeks and was expensive. Once in Connecticut, new documents needed to be prepared so I could manage Mom here.
• Home Support: Bringing Mom back to her New York home from the nursing home, I was provided with a couple of days of assistance to help Mom get up, bathe and dress in the morning. Even with extra help brough in, I was exhausted with all of the things I had to do to just keep her safe and well in her own home.
• Moving Mom: I put her house on the market at a good price and it sold within a week. It was to close in 60 days, so I had time to move her belongings out and get her settled in Connecticut. Friends recommended a good assisted living operation that could also provide Mom with a range of care, as needed because of her dimentia. I was advised to get extra help to start with and reduce the help as Mom became more acclimated. I didn't follow this advice and Mom was located on a bus trip one day to parts unknown and another day she was agitated because she got lost. What a mistake! I went back to the Director and asked for a Buddy to eat with my Mom and the additional help to ensure she was happy and safe.
• Change and Loneliness: Even though Mom's favorite chair and furniture are in her new apartment, the change is extreme. New people, no cooking, new routines. Even new clothes, because she has to wear clothes that are easily washed. She really needs more help than I had guessed when I made the decision to move her near me.
• Family Management: I asked my adult children and wife to visit Mom on a scheduled basis and have pleasant visits. They had a "once a year" relationship with Mom, so this is unnatural and resented. I asked them to tend to her laundry and substitute for me when I couldn't visit and I was handed my head! I am learning that I was the one who took the responsibility and that others in my family are not willing to participate. In addition, doing Mom's laundry is something that the assisted living facility can handle.
• Medical Crisis: Now, what happens to my business when Mom has a medical crisis and I am the person expected to be her advocate?

I need help now and I know it!